Cake And Eat

If I didn’t have a computer and you couldn’t reach me other than by telephone or long-hand writing through the mail and when you reached me all I’d say is that I wanted to move to some remote place and leave every thing and everyone behind, except you, would you want to do the same and go with me?

If we didn’t have all of these tools and tricks to impress each other with, and all that we could do was cultivate a piece of land and build a little place to rests our bones and think about what we already know or things that we could find in the books that we brought with us, would it be enough?

Would we be happy to dress up for each other, put on fancy clothes and dance in the night air or would we long for others or a different or the original piece of cake?

Would the life around the plants, animal and soil livestock that helped us stay alive suffice to provide entertainment and be company when we tired of each other? Would we tire of each other or would we get ever happier as we went along?

It’s a fantasy, thinking of what might be. A wonderful one. What is is and it is known and the limitations might make happy wanderers of our minds but they can fix us in the present and make us sure that there is something.

What if we go to this remote place where streams flow, stars light the night skies without interference, cool breezes blow through open windows to cool us in the night and one of us dies too soon…what if? What if there are too many bugs and mosquitoes. What if someone like Nestle comes along and steals all of the water?

Too many ifs.

It is something to know that this kind of excitement and longing can come this late in life. It is absolutely wonderful to think of the possibilities. But they just can’t seem to be the way we’d want them, so perhaps it is better to leave well enough alone.

I thought all day about it, and it was so wonderful to get to know you better before we decide to quit, before we go too far. To actually hear your voice and know that the tone of your words are different when spoken than written was uplifting and made me fall a little more in to the crush.

We seemed to have a good rhythm and left space for each other. My heart beat louder.

It is good to know that I think I was right about the kindred. It certainly seemed more real to me and the notch went up a hitch – I felt my heart grow a little. It made me realize how much harder it will be if I go any more. I will fall in and there will be a deep pit to try to crawl out of. I felt it a little this morning before you called. It was already hard the first time – backing up.

I have no right to even write these words.

Things didn’t seem finished let alone started, until this morning in that calm we shared. Absence had made my heart grow fonder and a certain peace had settled in because of the forcing back of emotions. I thought I could put you away but every day I’d look to see what I could see and even though I tried to convince myself that you were too angry or too confused or too something or other – the minute you reached out, I was pretty much a goner, “He still likes me!!!”

There is too much to lose at trying to gain something different than what we both know is all that can be – to try to have the cake and eat it too. Absence made the edges clearer and even though the first parting was abrupt and wounding, it forced the space that was necessary to crush crushing – a little – at least slow it down. Now to make the sensible choice in this less than hurtful space where both of us are softened.

Doesn’t it just seem that it would be better to leave well enough alone? What good can possibly come? And I’m okay with that if you are. It was wonderful, and I am grateful. Thank you ever so much for coming along and playing.

Piece of cake or piece of pie? If either is meant to mean that a thing can be easy, this can be considered neither.

 

Cake and Eat