At 4 am this morning, (all night fidgeting and failure to fall asleep), nothing seemed possible but to get up. What could possibly be the cause of this sudden inability to get to sleep to save a life no matter the extreme fatigue? Coffee. It had been two weeks since having a cup. Forgetting that the indulgence had occurred, it suddenly dawned like the morning light.
Into the studio with the space heater to sit at the table watching videos of quilting until the warmth of the bed was enough of an invitation to try again. Success. Finally. Grumpy Old Men helped with their chatter in the background.
It wasn’t long before there was another getting up. But like a nap, the little sleep had been enough to cut the slumbering inclination. Another cup of coffee was had to start the sequence of routine fidgeting in the middle of the night.
And then — maybe because of the subtle delirium induced by adrenal fatigue — an old boyfriend’s number was dialed. It wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t of much value other than to remember why he had managed to become an old boyfriend — any manner of significant conversation where each other’s needs can be met is forever and always disguised under layers of unbridgeable and differing expectations — any fondness aside.
Coffee had been drunk, on the day that it was, because depressive thoughts were creeping in and needed a rapid and successful booting out — adrenaline seems to help some with that. Why bother trying to come up with something in short order for managing running away from trouble when coffee could work so well on the double — obsessively watching quilting piecing can help a little too — calling old boyfriends… not so much.
People come in and out of our lives and change us. What they really do is help us find ourselves through the process of elimination. Sometimes they have to be eliminated over and over because the unbridgeable differences act like a ghost and disappear in the middle of reminiscing.
However, looking back can often help with looking forward because it is reinforcing to know that the decisions you made were correct. Sometimes one needs to be reminded.
Fading fast again — today, coffee failed to last. Perhaps coffee should be eliminated the same number of times as the old boyfriend so that fidgeting in the middle of the night can be eliminated soon. It might be time to become a residing member of a zoo with a sign that says, “Look at me. I need some loving too.”
* This was an exercise in getting through a session without saying I, me, or my (first person singular pronouns) more than once. #Check